I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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