I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
