Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
