I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
