Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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