3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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