If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
