Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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