One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
