I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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