Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
