dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize