I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
