Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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