It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
