i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
