i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
