I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
