you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
