Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other