My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess