Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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