I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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