i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
