Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
