honey bunches of taint.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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