ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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