Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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