If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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