I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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