2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
