my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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