I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
