i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
