had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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