I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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