I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
