people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
