walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
