if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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