You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
