get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
