my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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