There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
