thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
