he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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