so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
