I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
