Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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