your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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