just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
