The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
