I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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