i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
