brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
She is in my trunk
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
