I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
