your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
false alarm. still invincible.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
